Aura Twilight

[iloveblue9]

Full name: Aura Twilight
Age: 15
Gender: Female
Height: 5'4 or so
Weight: 120 maybe more
Hair Color and Style: Pink, about to my waist. It's just straight, and sometimes curls up at the bottom part. I'm pretty sure that it's natural...
Eye Color: dark blue
Build: I have some muscles but I'm weak. You wouldn't even know that I had some muscles. I have a light or pale skin tone like what red heads would get. I would get sunburn real easily if I don't put on any sunblock.
Clothing: I wear purple backpack, plain pink, long t-shirt with a pokeball, black baggy jeans, black tennis shoes. Have key-chains that look like swords that I carry in my pocket just because I feel like it. If I was entering a contest or something, I would wear a dark blue dress that has a matching bow in my hair. My hair would be put up in a ponytail with the bow in like a ponytail holder.
Personality: I'm nice towards others, and I don't like to talk much because I'm very shy and timid. Usually people think that I'm in a bad mood most of time, but once you get to know me more, then you'll get to see that I'm a good, caring, and honest person...most of the time...

I also think about what I would do when I'm battling because I'm mainly the battle strategist...most of the time anyway. >_<

History: I was born in Lilycove City and moved to Jubilife City when I was 3.

I travel a lot with my parents because they do alot of research on certain Pokemon habitats, so we never could stay in one place for more than a few days to a week maybe. If we were really lucky, we would stay for a month or so. That's just how my parents are.

My parents eventually settled down in Twinleaf Town, which is my favorite town. We use to go there a lot when I was younger before they started to travel. It's so calm and peaceful and you would get to see some cool Pokemon if you were lucky enough. *sighs at the thought of being in Twinleaf Town*

[Rafa]

Um...Are you done with this profile or not?

[iloveblue9]

I'm done...why?

[Rafa]

It looks OK, there are just a few things missing.

First, in the Build section, you need at least 4 more full sentences. I don't count the first one because it isn't clear. In the middle of what? Also, think of the muscular aspect. Are they muscular or only bones? Do they look like it, or can you not notice it? Think of skin tone as well. Are they pale, dark, or tanned? Are they burned easily? What's the specific colour? Things like that are acceptable. Details are important.

Next, you have Clothing. Please translate the first statement into one or more full sentences. And really, you can make clothing much, MUCH more detailed. Think, what are the actual colours? You mentioned something about keychains. Where are they located?

Then there's the personality. You need at least a paragraph and a half more here. Instead of just saying 'I'm nice,' explain WHY you're nice. Also, include how people perceive your character. Do they also think your character nice, or do they think she's mean? I suggest that one paragraph is her actual personality, and the second is her battling style. Instead of just saying that she thinks about things, say something more sophisticated, like she's a good battle strategist. I'm sure you can think of some more personality traits for your character.

Lastly, there's the history. It's very vague, and not much informative. You need to add about 2 and a half more paragraphs to it. It's quite simple to write the history if you think for a while; just basically think about your character's life from birth to present. Of course, not ALL the details, but a general overview, though in crucial parts, you may want to go in-depth.

That's pretty much all you have to change, though there are a few minor things. Please pick one age, I don't think anyone has two valid ages. For the hair colour and style, please be a bit more specific. For example, state if it's straight or wavy. Another minor thing: please try to resize the picture at the top so it does not stretch the board. Also, if you want your profile to look neater once your done, I suggest centering it. Another thing to make it look neater is to copy the profile in the character sheet thread. It'd also be better if you wrote in third person like, 'Aura did this, Aura did that' not 'I did this, I did that.' But, if you can write your profile in first person, then that's fine!

Hope this helped you so you can improve your profile. It'll most likely get accepted if you follow everything.

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[iloveblue9]

I thought that it would help if I talk about it like from her point of view. I made the changes to the profile.

[Rafa]

OK, I'm glad you fixed it, though there are a few problems. Each paragraph should be at least five full sentences. One sentence does not count as a paragraph.

Also, there's something that stood out.

I wear purple backpack, plain pink, long t-shirt with a pokeball, black baggy jeans, black tennis shoes. Have key-chains that look like swords that I carry in my pocket just because I feel like it.

First, it should be 'I wear a purple backpack, a plain pink long t-shirt with a Pokeball, black baggy jeans and black tennis shoes.' You're missing certain words, which have been bolded. Also, 'Have keychains' would not be the proper way to start the sentence. 'I have keychains...' would be the correct way. Also, instead of putting all the clothing in one sentence, why don't you put them in separate ones and go a bit in detail?

For Personality, you only have one sentence for how she battles. It is quite vague, so add at least four more full sentences about how she strategizes.

As for History, it doesn't give me a very detailed story about her past, just about how she moved a lot. I'm sure you can think of other things.

I suggest that if you are having trouble with your profile, take a look at how the accepted profile are set up. I'm sure it'll help you with any problems.

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